


Hanzo Hates....

by Akaior



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Autistic Hanzo Shimada, Everybody got issues but we focused on the Shimadas, Gen, Hanzo Shimada has Prosthetic Legs, Noodle Dragons, Other, Sad Shimadas, genji anxiety, genji depressed, hanzo anxiety, hanzo depressed, hanzo ptsd, prosthetic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:27:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akaior/pseuds/Akaior
Summary: Hanzo dislikes many things but there are a few things that he will never say he hates
Relationships: Overwatch Family - Relationship, Shimada brothers - Relationship
Kudos: 35





	Hanzo Hates....

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, maybe intrusive thoughts, self-hate. 
> 
> Please don't put yourself at risk if any of these topics make you feel uncomfortable.

** Unexpected touch and grabbed **

_Hanzo hates being touched…more specifically he hates being grabbed unexpectedly._ It's not unexpected that he disliked being grabbed, someone could put up to him being on the run for ten years from assassins or that he thinks people are lesser than him. In reality, it came down to his childhood, with his father, his mother, the elders, opposing clans, and kidnappers. It wasn’t a distaste towards people or disgust of their touch. No, it was more of a…. _fear, an implication of what being unexpectedly grabbed meant._ Being grabbed meant being in trouble of some sort. The injuries and pain that came with it the _well-hidden fear and pain_ because _fear and pain are a weakness._ But it also meant that he needed to be an example to the clan, to his brother, and to himself.

He remembers the bruises that being grabbed left, he remembers hiding them under clothes and lies of training and missions. He remembers hiding it from Genji, his Sparrow, to keep the light in his eyes that years later he ends for the sake of a clan that never cared and just needed a figurehead. But in those years, he would have done anything to keep Genji happy, smiling, and his beautiful bright laughter like the beginning of spring. Genji was the youngest, he received the blissful and unburden life, but he preferred this than to watch Genji go through the pain he couldn’t stop. But years later he caused his Sparrow great pain that altered his body and mind but also broke Hanzo as well.

Hanzo could remember the way Genji’s grip was bruising and burned with his blood that seemed to sear onto his skin. The way Genji’s nails dug and clawed at his skin in desperation to stop his Anija from ending his life for a clan that has seen him as nothing more than a tool. How Genji tugged his clothes, how he tried to hold onto him as he finally lost strength and his legs could no longer work. Genji’s hands were burned onto his skin even to his last breath and the light died in his eyes with his life. When he finally broke His Sparrow’s wings, when the freedom ended and Hanzo's world grew quiet and colder like a never-ending winter and colors fade to grey.

_Being grabbed was only the being._

** Raised voice/Scearming  **

_Hanzo hates raised voices, [He fears raised voices]._ Much like being grabbed it only meant trouble and pain, but it also meant he made a mistake, and mistakes are not permitted in the clan, let alone the clan head. It matters not how small the mistake was, if it was a mistake then _it was a mistake_. Mistakes meant lives, contracts, targets, payment, business opportunities, and partnerships. Mistakes are for the weak and lesser people and he was a Shimada, mistakes were not permitted.

Raised voices meant slaps across his face, fingers bruising grip on his jaw as he’s forcefully kept in place, or fingers tangled in his hair as he was dragged to where private beating was going to give to him by his father. Because Spirits forbid that the little Sparrow sees what Mother and father are capable of besides soft voices and gentle touches to their little Sparrow. Hanzo could remember the sting of his cheek and jaw, the painful and sting tug on his scalp as he was forced to follow along. _The way his heart was in his throat. How his thoughts raced to wonder what he did wrong and how to amend it. But the excuse was weak and pathetic._

Hanzo remembers how as they got older Genji would start to yell at him for not spending time with him. Oh, how the first time hurt so much, but much like with his mother and father he learned to hide it, but unlike mother and father, he never grew numb to Genji's harsh words sober or drunk. But the one the left the largest imprint was on _that_ night. How each blow led to a shout of pain from Genji. How Genji loudly begged him to stop or asked why he was doing this. But the silent scream Genji let out at the finishing blow, how his breathing rasp then shuddered then stopped altogether.

** Hurt/Pain  **

_Hanzo hates seeing Genji hurt._ He was an older brother, of course, he hated seeing his siblings hurt in any way. He remembers the time when Genji was five and he had tripped and hurt himself while Hanzo was eight and trained not far from Genji. Hanzo had been training in his free time to perfect some move or technique, he couldn’t remember, but he knows it was to impress their father (he never did). Genji had cried and Hanzo’s heart dropped as he ran to Genji for two reasons: (1) Genji was hurt and (2) crying, at least for him, never ended well. So, Hanzo was quick to care for Genji and hush him while trying not to let his emotions get out of control. In the cover of a tree, he comforted Genji and took care of the small scraps. He doted on Genji. He wanted him to be happy…

Later, as the years passed, Hanzo came to realize that Genji would not receive the same reaction as he did his age for crying. Whether he was five or ten, Genji was doted on… _it hurts to be treated differently._ Genji was the baby of the clan and everyone from father, mother, the maids, and guards doted and cooed at Genji. It took months for Hanzo to find the answer through a swift strike to the cheek and a rough grip on his jaw and hissed responses. And it took years for it to stink in and for Hanzo to truly grasp how it made him feel, he knew it hurt, just never how deep and how much.

But even then, through the years Hanzo would care for Genji, whether he was hurt or sick, and tried his best to help Genji with his emotions. _But how can someone who was taught not to feel help someone of emotional connection?_ By middle school Genji started to realize Hanzo was no good at handling emotions, so, he went to Hanzo less for those problems and learned on his own.

** Feelings/Emotions **

_Hanzo hates feelings._ He hates his own feelings and doesn’t understand others. He was taught to be cold and that emotions only ever lead to pain. He hated how they made him feel gross and strange when he let his emotions through. He hates how they made him feel less in control of the only thing he could control of himself. _Years down the road he would come to hate that control because he couldn’t connect or express himself to people. And how the control made him feel hollow and empty._ Emotions were so… different and unpredictable and explosive even.

But as before. He hates how hollow and empty he feels. How sometimes he feels this deep disconnect that he will sometimes miss hours and on worse times even a day, _he remembers times he missed several days_. He hates the fear he brought in Genji when he became unresponsive for nearly or maybe a whole day in overwatch in his own quarters. Genji had been trying to get to him for hours, he hadn’t eaten or had something to drink for the entire day. The way Genji let out a breathless and shaky _“Thank gods”_ made his stomach churn and him nauseous. He felt disgusting for a while afterward and couldn’t look at Genji for awhile too. But he fed off the warm embrace Genji gave him like a starved man. He didn’t tell Genji that while he went to make him food later, he had a panic attack, but what Genji didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him, right? Surely it would hurt more to know.

** Himself **

_Hanzo hates himself._

He hates himself for being weak.

Hates that he couldn’t protect Genji in the end of it all.

Hates that he was and still is a bit jealous of Genji for being so free while he felt caged and trapped.

He hates how he looks

Hates how he feels

Hates that he breathes

Hates himself for what he did to Genji

Hates that was and will probably never be strong enough to be the protect Genji deserved

Hates that he feels safe and happy at overwatch because he really doesn’t deserve it

Hates how he feels like he’s invading Genji’s space and happiness being there.

He hates that he will never be enough

Hates that he can’t just be like others and just feel

He hates that Genji’s blood will never come off his skin

He hates himself for causing so much pain and grief

He hates that he was brought into this world to being with

He hates that he wants to die so bad but knows it’s the easy way out.

_A small part of him knows that he would hurt Genji if he did kill himself_

He hates he hates hehateshehateshehateshates

He’s breaking….

Hanzo looks at the floor below the walkway at the edge of the roof. There was no railing…. _he only had to lean forward…_ he drinks from the bottle of saké… _he was drunk…it could look like an accident._ He leans on the cold concrete wall beside him and closes his eyes with a long sigh. _He should have paid attention maybe then he would have been fast enough to save Genji more pain._ Angela said that it looked worse than it was, the injury was serious and would keep Genji grounded for a week or month nothing more. He could even walk around after the surgery; he would be in pain but still alive! _But he had caused Genji more pain, he was a horrible older brother._ Hanzo finishes off the bottle, he had a few more. _This is his first bottle…a second one would do it…he only needed to lean forward just a bit more._

_“Anija…?”_

Hanzo opened his eyes quickly… _oh no Genji found him sooner than he wanted…._


End file.
